I'm in a very reflective mood right now. Which means the following will be an assortment of random and sporadic thoughts and stream of consciousness-like word type writing things and stuff with likely no central theme or purpose and stuff and stuff and stuff. I just need to get it out without any regard to what people might think. My blog. Word.
Okay.
I get free downloads just about every week from noise trade. One of the latest addition to my itunes library was Jars of Clay's newest album Gather and Build: A Collection, my email popped up and "it was like, 'it's FO FREEE', so I was like, 'shore'". Now, I love Jars of Clay solely based on the fact that their Christmas renditions are a staple in my holiday listening of the season, so of course I was more than overjoyed. Anyway, the other week I was pretty much almost dead in the library studying for my Art History test whilst listening to this wonderful new album. It was just around the time I began compiling all of my notes and highlighted passages and such on Byzantine and Islamic works of art, most of which involving Jesus Christ, that I realized the lyrics coming through my earpieces were about Jesus! The coincidence was so amazing that I went on to study all of these incredible paintings and carvings and pages and mosaics and plaques of Christ with the most motivational soundtrack. I slayed my test, naturally. Anyway, did a little bit of research and turns out they are a Christian rock band. Who knew? Now I like them that much more. Which brings me to this song. It's perfect. And I am listening to it over and over again whilst writing this.
My command key is half broken. I say half, because when I do command save, it works, but when I do command copy, or command paste, it doesn't work. But the c and v keys dooo work... So, what's command's problem!? I think it's sick of me using him for shortcuts. Whatev's.
I'm in a weird spot in life. Cue Cameron Diaz, "i just don't know what to dooo with myyselfff". Come to think of it, this is actually how to sing. Ask anyone who was present during our summer late night session of ipod star. I was terrible. Anyway, there are times {all the time} where I want to curl up in a ball and not do anything. No school. No friends. No pressures. No anything. I wish I had that sleeping beauty disease where I was destined to sleep for months at a time, automatically freeing me from any obligations or expectations or thoughts. Entirely exempt. From everything. But then, suddenly I run through my head all of these things I should accomplish in three weeks time. All of these aspirations, and all of these goals, and all of these things I should be doing, and used to be doing, and now, I just can't do them. I can't. I try, and I want to, I really want to, I just can't. I remember this really incredible pitcher on my sisters club softball team. She was so good, but all of the sudden, the next year she wasn't there. But then the year after that she was back. My dad had to explain to me that she got "burnt out". I was only eleven or twelve and I couldn't comprehend "burnt out". If she loved softball, if she could truly pitch, how in the world could she have gotten "burnt out". I get it now. I am simply burnt out. Only I don't know if I will be back in the foreseeable future.
I need my own personal Melissa McCarthy around to pin me down, beat me up, and be my figurative "life" so I can slap the crap out of her. Which reminds me, I often have dreams where I am trying to hit someone or hurt them but I physically can't. I have all the might and strength and intention and what not it just doesn't work out. It's like I'm trying to hit something underwater. That's exactly what it's like. Wait, so does this mean I'm never gonna hit my life back in order? Whhaaaaattt....
I've discovered that I'm not a very motivated or disciplined person. This is evidenced by the fact that i'm one of those "jack of all trades" people. Softball, piano,, public speaking, writing, running, music, drawing, volleyball, stained glass, leadership {whatever that means}. I am/was good at all of these things, but someone is always better. I don't have my niche. I can't choose something and run with it without any regard for what others may be thinking. I think that's what it takes to be successful at something, you can't care. But I do care. I care a lot. It can get very discouraging.
Which brings me to this so called "weird place". Yeah, yeah, I've decided on a communications major. But I DETEST deadlines. I have an essay due for my comms class tomorrow... Yep, can't do it. I obviously am not cut out for this area. Which is definitely discouraging. So, no major. No career. Weird time before Thanksgiving, before finals, and then before Christmas. No real daily schedule. No steady connections. No real events coming up to prepare for. I want to be good at living my life, I'm just not prepared to. Or ready or something like that. Oh. And I can't get a real job meaning i will never go to Thailand let alone pay any type of bill. Sad face.
I really want lemonade right now. And a massage. That's reasonable, right?
One hour of the day I'm on the top of the world, and the next I'm completely paralyzed. It's debilitating, really. I think I'm bipolar. Sorry if you're bipolar or have a family member with the condition, I'm not trying to be offensive. But really.
Guyz, is this normal!?
Maybe it's too late to be thinking properly...
wahhh.
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